Poirot's Apocalypse

I am sure that by now everyone has seen how eager I am in solving cases. I would give my life for solving a mystery. When I start investigating a case I dive into the deep waters and learn to swim. The case of Soapy let the clear marks of sharks on me, because I had to swim drunk through the seven seas to finally discover the sheer, plain and dazzling truth. When such a case gets brilliantly solved, Poirot marvels at the wonders of the universe and the power of God. That is when even I, the world's greatest detective stand in awe before the allmighty and humbly accept his superiority.

Poirot had questions, many questions, unanswered questions that prevented him from sleeping the previous nights. But as God said in Matthew 7:7-8:

"Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened".

So after drinking 24 cups of coffee, a bottle of whisky and knocking my head 445 times at my neighbors door I could know the truth! I was not sure if it was the coffee, the whisky or the pain in my head from the knocks that made me tremble. The walls blurred, the ceiling twisted, the table bent. Last night I had a vision...


I saw President Bush in front of me and he was burning in flames. Bush in danger? Bush in hell (he might even deserve that one!)? It was obvious... A "burning bush"! Poirot just like Moses is a Prophet!

I now had to change my research into the religious direction. My examination of the usual suspects' alibis proved unfruitful. Everyone looked suspicious, but too suspicious to be true. I interviewed a system administrator from Blogspot.com yesterday and he did not notice any suspicious logins in the night of March 22 to March 23. The security of Blogger seems truly unbreakable. I also called Uri Geller and let him be possessed by the spirit of the great psycho-analyst Freud. I showed Soapy's posts to him and he assured me that there lie no identity problems within that individual. As a result, the murderer could not have been a hacker and could not have identity problems. The answers would be hiding with God.

As I was reading through the Bible, I became dizzy again and angel Ariel appeared before me. His voice was soft and he whispered in my ear the following riddle:

"He was closer than breath.

He was everywhere.

Don't look only at the tree.

Climb the branches.

Hurry or it will burn. "

"Oh my God" I thought to myself. "I will not take another vision tonight". They feel like a hangover! But what did the angel mean? "Closer than breath..." Who? What can be closer than breath? "he was everywhere", he is clearly the murderer, was he living in Soapy's house? Did he have cameras and microphones installed in Soapy's house? How else could he be everywhere???

?

Which detective is so powerful?

?

Who can be everywhere at the same time?

??

And if he is not an omnipresent ninja..

???

Since ninjas are a myth...

!!!

Of course! It is only God that is omnipresent. Only a supernatural power could have faked that newspaper to mislead us all. But why? Why would God murder poor Soapy? She had after all dedicated her life to Him.

"Don't look only at the tree. Climb the branches." After the second bottle of whisky I thought that the tree is my lemon tree but I heard a deep echoing voice saying:

"You foolish detective of misfortune, the tree is the bible of course!"

"Oh OK" I replied

"but what are the branches?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... get this fool out of here!"

So I figured out Ariel was not feeling like talking tonight and went on with my investigation. My legendary ingenuity revealed that the branches are the other christian paths. Countless hours of Theological studies made me suspect the Protestant Premillennialism and the eschatology of the RAPTURE!

"And Enoch walked with God: and he (was) not; for God took him" (Genesis 5:24).

"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first." (I Thes. 4:16)

I broke down when I finally discovered that The little bar of soap was indeed a saved Christian and was taken from Earth by God himself into Heaven.

So the end is near my dear friends and only Soapy is saved. This can mean only one thing. And we should spent our last billions of minutes on earth investigating the next mystery. Fare well Soapy, we know you are treated well in Heaven, and if you can't send us an angel then do not forget us!

At your service
Faithfully
Inspector Hercule Cyberpoirot

PS: For those of you wondering what the angels' last hint meant "Hurry or it will burn." He meant the Pizza I had in my oven. Unfortunately I figured it out only when the whole house started to smell, like a burning bush!

We Know!... not?

Now we know. Indies investigations blend perfectly with mine. It is quite obvious that it was satan himself, soapys greatest enemy that finally managed to possess her on the night of the Bar of Soap tragedy (March 22/23). Soapys mind got completely distorted and followed all the evil and filthy commands of the devil himself. She decided to give in to the wordly desires she had surpessed for so long and entered the pool where the soap orgies took place. She then posted on her blog, under the guidance of the devil, the misleading clue (written in black so that it is invisible) and merged forever into the world of filth! Thus came the dramatic end of soapy. But the mystery now remains, who hired the devil? And why did he want to load the crime on ap3? Questions... Questions... Questions...

Breaking News!!!!

We have breaking news ladies and gentlemen!

The hacker with the identity problems has just posted on the LBOS site the following subliminal message!

Subliminal Soapy: LBOS was Aral Peppermint Patty Pez.
AND

Subliminal message: Did you guess? The LBOS was AP3!


I do not believe this of course and I am sure that a new conspiracy against the Pez family has just started. I have reasons to believe that an old vendetta has come to life again. Poirot cannot be fooled! All indications led me to believe that this was LBOS but now I realize how desperately the schizophrenic hacker wanted us to believe this!

Monsieur Poirot will not sleep this night and go on investigating through the alleys of the internet. I believe Indie has also found evidence that are in great need of my legendary interpretation abilities.

Soapy... hold on... Poirot will find you or your bubbles.

Black List of Suspects :: The Drama Continues

Dear "Black Mustache" Students,

Lesson no 1: The murderer always returns to the scene of the crime!
Which leads us to the conclusion that...

All major suspects are the ones who commented on poor soapy's blog.

Here is the black list of the USUAL SUSPECTS:
The Mushroom
Indeterminacy
OldOldLady Of The Hills
viruswitch
Saur
ariel
Doug
actonbell
Tom & Icy
Tan Lucy Pez
AP3
Ariella
Falconbob
dddragon
The Lazy Iguana
Jamie Dawn
Full of Love
cooper

Please let me know if I forgot any.

The unfair disappearance of the decent Miss Mary Margaret "Peg" Hindlemeierburger has broken down most bloggers of the entire blogosphere, leaving them unable to write. The tragical drama robbed of everyones inspiration and the will to live. Don't take it to heart Indie! We are all grieving but not for long! Because soapy will be back among us soon, and I am going to bring her back. I therefore, and after your extraordinary investigation in the matter, declare you as the first honorary member of the "Black Mustache Internet Academy" and present you with this badge.



And:



To all other Sirs and Madames:

Please apply for a badge here and with a convincing alibi you will get one! I am still waiting for all statements before I proceed into arrests.

As I already pointed out in a previous post, the criminal is schizophrenic and uses at least a hundred and two different internet ids. Please note that all evidence has been cleverly concealed BUT not destroyed. That is how the legendary Monsieur Poirot has been able to follow precious clues. The hacker has been identified living in a big house with many computers. But some of the monitors are very old and the dear hacker should get a new one. The hacker has been identified as a female. Hair color is not yet known but we would prefer... black.

Clues that led us to the hacker:
- The destruction of Soapys blog could have taken place only by a hacker. She then changed the passwords and now comments as soapy from beyond!

- Google's cache proves shocking evidence about the intentions of the hacker.

- The faked obituary newspaper.

The Dramatic Chase:
The hacker was seen last night by a Black Mustache student. She was wandering around aimlessly through the alleys of the internet and specifically in the blogosphere region. She then logged in into her cracked accounts and hopped around blogs. Our distinguished student who wishes to remain anonymous, traced the hacker but as he was about to arrest her, the hacker logged off. The student waited patiently "on the line" and in the next login he blocked every "logout" exits. The trapped hacker had no other option than to surf swiftly through the greatest digital waves of the cyber sea. That was when my student called me. (It might not be well known but I had a small career in BAYWATCH
.) I immediately fetched my surfing board, covered my black mustache to prevent it from getting wet and threw away my hat. Accidentally the hat caresses the hair of the suspect and turned around to face me. But when the hacker saw the covered mustache she burst into laughters and did not see the great wild wave that sent her to the bottom. My friend Jim Bond sent me some Fireball-Divers and we fished the sticky hacker out of the soapy bubbles!

We know who you are, and we know what you did last summer!

Unfortunately she managed to slip out of the internet like a wet fish by unplugging her modem but next time she will not be that lucky.

In my next post I will go through all the alibis and new clues to see if I can support my case and find a motive. There are indications that the hacker is working for the Devil. If that is true then God help us!

At your service,
Cyber Hercule Poirot

Announcement: Renaming Our Academy

I proudly announce the new name of the former "Black-Hat Internet Academy". From this very day, the name of the noble academy founded by me, the world's greatest detective... is "Black-Mustache Internet Academy". Membership is free and anyone who wants to fight cyber-criminals can join provided you agree with the "Rules of Membership" which will be posted at a later time.

Interrogation Reports

Clues, hints and valuable feedback on the "Little Bar of Soap" case can be posted here. The Interrogations of all suspects have started.


PS: I called in Miss Marple, who was also Miss Arizona last year to help me with my interrogations.

First Case: The Murder of "The Little Bar of Soap"

Our first case is the mysterious disappearance of "The Little Bar of Soap". She is claimed dead but no body has seen the eyes of publicity yet. Our "Black-Mustache Academy" strongly believes that there was a murder attempt on her by another blogger who claims to actually be her. As you see in this case we are also dealing with schizophrenia and we might need to consult a few psychiatrists on this.


Our "Black-Mustache Academy" thinks that the schizophrenic blogger who believes to have created "The little bar of soap" attempted murder in the night of March 22 to March 23. This scared the hell out of Soap that resulted in her melting away. Her bubbles were made out of divine light as her religious followers often claimed, and did not stand the devilish shock.

We have clues though that lead us to a great conclusion. Little Bar of Soap was seen by a "Black-Mustache Academy" student hiding outside a catholic cementary. She then entered the church and was heard praying all night "DEVIL GET THEE OUT!".

We are on it and we are going to catch the blogger behind this soon. We will keep you updated.

About me

I was born in Spa, Belgium, and worked as a Belgian police officer in Brussels. However, circumstances forced me to move to England where I started a second career as a private detective. I solved many cases and confronted many criminals there, but the dawn of the new electronic era forced me to dedicate myself to combating the computer and internet crime.

I used to be obsessed with order and neatness but I changed a lot after meeting my mentor Sherlock Holes (middle name Security). He was a tough person to get along with but he transformed me into a master-detective. Unfortunately he is not with us anymore.

Right now I set up the "Black-Mustache Internet Academy" (former Black-Hat Internet Academy) and along with my students we will fight spammers, cyber fraud, conspiracies, and cyber murder! If you have any troubles please don't hesitate to use our free internet services. We will be glad to solve the mystery for you!