Poirot's Apocalypse
I am sure that by now everyone has seen how eager I am in solving cases. I would give my life for solving a mystery. When I start investigating a case I dive into the deep waters and learn to swim. The case of Soapy let the clear marks of sharks on me, because I had to swim drunk through the seven seas to finally discover the sheer, plain and dazzling truth. When such a case gets brilliantly solved, Poirot marvels at the wonders of the universe and the power of God. That is when even I, the world's greatest detective stand in awe before the allmighty and humbly accept his superiority.
Poirot had questions, many questions, unanswered questions that prevented him from sleeping the previous nights. But as God said in Matthew 7:7-8:
So after drinking 24 cups of coffee, a bottle of whisky and knocking my head 445 times at my neighbors door I could know the truth! I was not sure if it was the coffee, the whisky or the pain in my head from the knocks that made me tremble. The walls blurred, the ceiling twisted, the table bent. Last night I had a vision...
I saw President Bush in front of me and he was burning in flames. Bush in danger? Bush in hell (he might even deserve that one!)? It was obvious... A "burning bush"! Poirot just like Moses is a Prophet!
I now had to change my research into the religious direction. My examination of the usual suspects' alibis proved unfruitful. Everyone looked suspicious, but too suspicious to be true. I interviewed a system administrator from Blogspot.com yesterday and he did not notice any suspicious logins in the night of March 22 to March 23. The security of Blogger seems truly unbreakable. I also called Uri Geller and let him be possessed by the spirit of the great psycho-analyst Freud. I showed Soapy's posts to him and he assured me that there lie no identity problems within that individual. As a result, the murderer could not have been a hacker and could not have identity problems. The answers would be hiding with God.
As I was reading through the Bible, I became dizzy again and angel Ariel appeared before me. His voice was soft and he whispered in my ear the following riddle:
"Oh my God" I thought to myself. "I will not take another vision tonight". They feel like a hangover! But what did the angel mean? "Closer than breath..." Who? What can be closer than breath? "he was everywhere", he is clearly the murderer, was he living in Soapy's house? Did he have cameras and microphones installed in Soapy's house? How else could he be everywhere???
?
Which detective is so powerful?
?
Who can be everywhere at the same time?
??
And if he is not an omnipresent ninja..
???
Since ninjas are a myth...
!!!
Of course! It is only God that is omnipresent. Only a supernatural power could have faked that newspaper to mislead us all. But why? Why would God murder poor Soapy? She had after all dedicated her life to Him.
"Don't look only at the tree. Climb the branches." After the second bottle of whisky I thought that the tree is my lemon tree but I heard a deep echoing voice saying:
"You foolish detective of misfortune, the tree is the bible of course!"
"Oh OK" I replied
"but what are the branches?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... get this fool out of here!"
So I figured out Ariel was not feeling like talking tonight and went on with my investigation. My legendary ingenuity revealed that the branches are the other christian paths. Countless hours of Theological studies made me suspect the Protestant Premillennialism and the eschatology of the RAPTURE!
I broke down when I finally discovered that The little bar of soap was indeed a saved Christian and was taken from Earth by God himself into Heaven.
So the end is near my dear friends and only Soapy is saved. This can mean only one thing. And we should spent our last billions of minutes on earth investigating the next mystery. Fare well Soapy, we know you are treated well in Heaven, and if you can't send us an angel then do not forget us!
At your service
Faithfully
Inspector Hercule Cyberpoirot
PS: For those of you wondering what the angels' last hint meant "Hurry or it will burn." He meant the Pizza I had in my oven. Unfortunately I figured it out only when the whole house started to smell, like a burning bush!
Poirot had questions, many questions, unanswered questions that prevented him from sleeping the previous nights. But as God said in Matthew 7:7-8:
"Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened".
So after drinking 24 cups of coffee, a bottle of whisky and knocking my head 445 times at my neighbors door I could know the truth! I was not sure if it was the coffee, the whisky or the pain in my head from the knocks that made me tremble. The walls blurred, the ceiling twisted, the table bent. Last night I had a vision...
I saw President Bush in front of me and he was burning in flames. Bush in danger? Bush in hell (he might even deserve that one!)? It was obvious... A "burning bush"! Poirot just like Moses is a Prophet!
I now had to change my research into the religious direction. My examination of the usual suspects' alibis proved unfruitful. Everyone looked suspicious, but too suspicious to be true. I interviewed a system administrator from Blogspot.com yesterday and he did not notice any suspicious logins in the night of March 22 to March 23. The security of Blogger seems truly unbreakable. I also called Uri Geller and let him be possessed by the spirit of the great psycho-analyst Freud. I showed Soapy's posts to him and he assured me that there lie no identity problems within that individual. As a result, the murderer could not have been a hacker and could not have identity problems. The answers would be hiding with God.
As I was reading through the Bible, I became dizzy again and angel Ariel appeared before me. His voice was soft and he whispered in my ear the following riddle:
"He was closer than breath.
He was everywhere.
Don't look only at the tree.
Climb the branches.
Hurry or it will burn. "
"Oh my God" I thought to myself. "I will not take another vision tonight". They feel like a hangover! But what did the angel mean? "Closer than breath..." Who? What can be closer than breath? "he was everywhere", he is clearly the murderer, was he living in Soapy's house? Did he have cameras and microphones installed in Soapy's house? How else could he be everywhere???
?
Which detective is so powerful?
?
Who can be everywhere at the same time?
??
And if he is not an omnipresent ninja..
???
Since ninjas are a myth...
!!!
Of course! It is only God that is omnipresent. Only a supernatural power could have faked that newspaper to mislead us all. But why? Why would God murder poor Soapy? She had after all dedicated her life to Him.
"Don't look only at the tree. Climb the branches." After the second bottle of whisky I thought that the tree is my lemon tree but I heard a deep echoing voice saying:
"You foolish detective of misfortune, the tree is the bible of course!"
"Oh OK" I replied
"but what are the branches?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... get this fool out of here!"
So I figured out Ariel was not feeling like talking tonight and went on with my investigation. My legendary ingenuity revealed that the branches are the other christian paths. Countless hours of Theological studies made me suspect the Protestant Premillennialism and the eschatology of the RAPTURE!
"And Enoch walked with God: and he (was) not; for God took him" (Genesis 5:24).
"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first." (I Thes. 4:16)
I broke down when I finally discovered that The little bar of soap was indeed a saved Christian and was taken from Earth by God himself into Heaven.
So the end is near my dear friends and only Soapy is saved. This can mean only one thing. And we should spent our last billions of minutes on earth investigating the next mystery. Fare well Soapy, we know you are treated well in Heaven, and if you can't send us an angel then do not forget us!
At your service
Faithfully
Inspector Hercule Cyberpoirot
PS: For those of you wondering what the angels' last hint meant "Hurry or it will burn." He meant the Pizza I had in my oven. Unfortunately I figured it out only when the whole house started to smell, like a burning bush!
posted by Poirot at 6:30 AM
17 Comments:
Woo baby! You go boy...girl...whoever you are!
Charming Madame, I am glad you enjoyed it!
Always at your service, we solve all mysteries before you, and for you.
Cyberpoirot of the Black Mustache Academy.
I don't get it! Why would God kill somebody? Do you know where my sister is?
Herr Poirot, I suspected Ariel was an Angel. eScatology finally arrives on the internet.
My Beautiful Lamy,
God obviously did not kill Soapy, He just took her away to him, to save her from her own destruction down on earth. We think she got killed, because we have limited sight, compared to God. Poirot is here to show the big picture.
Sometimes unhappy things are blessings in disguise, for the ones who go through them and the ones near them. Just like us and our Soapy friend.
Dearest Friend Doug,
we have to ready to combat eScatology online. I welcome you to the academy of the Black Mustache.
Is Ariel really an angel or a demon? He or she claims to be that dog-face guy, but they talk to each other on his blog. Could Dog be possessed by Ariel? I loved the pichure Ariel took of the graveyard it remind me where they said my sister was, but there is no tstone or marker. maybe she not dead. Some told me she went to New York to work and then go to Germany to find that guy call Indie because she was love him. What country are you and your dick school in? She said that she wanted to go overseas. old movie on my blog us.
Your resolution to the case of Little Bar of Soap took my breath away. Holy.
Lammy, this blog is in deep cyberspace 9 and I might be a hologram. In fact the truth is that everything you see is an illusion. Do you want the red or the blue pill?
Indie, thank you for your cooperation. I am just glad its over. My sole purpose in life is to serve the truth and humanity.
Ever at your service
Cyberpoirot
The mystery is solved!
May LBOS rest in peace.
Well done!
I am most impressed with your tenacity and cunning thought process, Detective Poirot. Congratulations on resolving the mystery surrounding Soapy's demise and may she look down upon us with favor.
But I'm left with a foreboding sense of dread, Detective Poirot, as you said you'd give your life to solve a case.
Thank you Jamie and Sar. Sar I will dedicate the second lesson of this academy to you as a reply to your comment.
Greetings from the Beyond. Thank you for your Christian care! Truly, I am with our Father.
Yes, good work on the last case! I can't wait for the next one.
Rabbit, rabbit!
I think somebody has to commit a crime first.
oh dear Soapy, if you blurt that out earlier, Monsieur Poirot shouldn't have to drink all that whisky and coffe and keep his neighbour from sleeping all night. indeed it sounds you had a bad hangover, Monsieur Poirot, I do symapthize!
I am very honoured to join the Black Mustache Academy, for our success I gladly let my mustache grow!
Doug, I am not THAT Ariel, actually, I've been always afraid he somehow figures out I borrowed his name. patience and gentle persuasion are not his ways...
Thanks Ariel for your sympathy. Its true that it was a filthy case the soapy one, but it ended quite clean and clear. Welcome to the academy! I think I have to give everyone a badge!
Ariel means the "lion of god" its quite natural that only a divine lion could help this case get solved! But I did not know that he has a bad temper! On the contrary miss Ariel here is more of an angel than him in her manners!
ah! *blushes*
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